Hang in There Bozo Page 3

  IT’S A CLOUDY NIGHT, YOU DON’T HAVE A COMPASS, AND YOU DON’T HAVE A NEEDLE, THREAD AND MAGNET?

  Bad luck buster.

  THIS IS A PRETTY BAD SITUATION IN SO MANY WAYS. First of all, you don’t know where you are; second of all, no one else knows where you are. In other words, you’re lost. Being lost can play a lot of tricks on the mind: it’s easy to feel hopeless and abandoned, but remember you are not abandoned; you still have yourself and you’re gonna make sure you make it out of there. Right bozo?

  RULE ONE in a survival situation: DECIDE ABOVE ALL ELSE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO SURVIVE.

  REMEMBER: People who believe they are going to survive have the odds stacked in their favour.

  The first thing to do when you find yourself lost is to not run about like crazy panicking. What you wanna do is remember this four-letter word:

  S

  Stand still.

  T

  Take stock of your situation.

  O

  Orientate.

  P

  Plan.

  REMEMBER: Decide to stay calm and don’t forget Rule 19: Panic will freeze your brain.

  WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE LOST IN THE DESERT

  How did you come to be here in the desert in the first place? Well, there are many reasons you could wind up in just such a place – perhaps you got a flat tyre or your camel ran off. Whatever the reason, first thing is you gotta find water.

  WARNING: KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED AS VALUABLE DROPLETS OF MOISTURE WILL EVAPORATE IF YOU DON’T.

  Second, you gotta protect yourself from the sun. Look for shade quickly. You can always make a better shelter once the sun has gone down.

  WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE MAROONED AT SEA

  If you are marooned with a group of people then you wanna work as a team. This is true for any survival-type situation, but goes double when stuck in a leaky dinghy miles from shore. Infighting and disorganised thinking are likely to see you dead. If I was stranded in a life raft with Vapona Bugwart, I would try and set aside our differences for the duration of the emergency, or pitch her overboard.

  YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO HAVE AN ENEMY SPIRIT ON A LIFE RAFT. An enemy working with you, yes; a friend being a massive pain in the butt, NO.

  Water is the big issue when marooned at sea so collecting it is your key challenge. If it looks like there might be a heavy squall blowing in, rig up some way of collecting rainwater.

  WARNING: DO NOT DRINK YOUR OWN URINE. IT’S A BASIC RULE AND SOUNDS AN UNLIKELY ONE TO BREAK, BUT AFTER A FEW DAYS AT SEA SUFFERING TERRIBLE DEHYDRATION, YOU MIGHT FIND YOURSELF TEMPTED. URINE IS FULL OF PROTEIN AND YOU NEED A LOT OF WATER TO BREAK IT DOWN AND WATER IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU JUST DON’T HAVE.

  Same goes for seawater.

  WARNING: DO NOT DRINK SEAWATER. THE REASON BEING IT TAKES A GREAT DEAL OF WATER TO FLUSH OUT THE SALT FROM YOUR SYSTEM, MORE WATER THAN YOU GET FROM DRINKING THE SEAWATER IN FACT – I.E. POINTLESS.

  REMEMBER: Someone has to take charge and allocate tasks and chores. Take turns, keep occupied. You are more likely to survive a disaster if you keep your mind and body active, and stay calm.

  WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE ALONE IN THE WILDERNESS AND HAVE NO CLUE WHERE YOU ARE

  The boat was a total wreck and Ruby had been lucky to make it to shore at all. ‘I’m here,’ she had groaned as she’d crawled out of the water, her sodden sweater weighing her down, her waterlogged sneakers oozing icy cold.

  But where was here exactly? She hadn’t the faintest clue, but right now this wasn’t at the forefront of her mind: surviving the night was.

  First off buster: You need to think clearly and leave the panicking to people who don’t know any better. Don’t worry too much about where you are. Worry about surviving. This is where the STOP rule comes in. Stand still. Orientate. Take stock of your surroundings. Make a plan.

  Sometimes, of course, things turn against you.

  Ruby could see from the dark clouds that there was a storm brewing and, just to emphasise this nasty reality, in the distance she heard the rumble of thunder.

  Her clothes were already sodden from the swim – it wasn’t like they could get any wetter – but the prospect of getting soaked all over again in a freezing downpour did nothing to lift her spirits. She had saved herself the trouble of drowning only to die of hypothermia.

  In this rainy situation keeping warm is key and, if you’re gonna keep warm, you need to dry off so you’ll need shelter and a fire.

  OK, so it’s one thing gathering fuel, another lighting it with wet matches, and something else altogether to try and keep it all alight when you’re about to get rained on by a serious cloud. But you’ve gotta try – you’ve gotta decide to survive.

  So basically you’ve gotta improvise.

  Ruby dragged what was left of her boat out of the water and across the shingle beach. The wood was far too wet to burn, but the bow of the boat would serve as a shelter so long as she faced it out of the wind’s cruel bite.

  But first she needed to get dry and warm. She shed her soaking knitwear; it would take an age to dry out and she would die of exposure before that happened. It was hard work finding and gathering the necessary fuel, but that was no bad thing: it helped her keep warm; it helped her focus. She had chosen a spot out of the wind underneath a small natural overhang reasonably sheltered from the inevitable rain.

  Once the fire was made and alight, she then began gathering branches, pushing them into the ground around the upturned boat wreck. Then, using her penknife, she cut some fir tree branches and tied them to her existing framework. Before long she had made a makeshift shelter, reasonably dry and fairly windproof. It wasn’t going to be a pleasant night, but she would at least wake to welcome the dawn.

  EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE, you can get into a whole lot of trouble. Here’s what to do if you find yourself on the wrong side of Lady Luck.

  HOW TO SURVIVE QUICKSAND

  WARNING: DON’T STRUGGLE: IT WILL ONLY MAKE YOU SINK FASTER.

  The first thing you gotta know about quicksand is that, contrary to what old movies say, you will not sink further than your waist so long as you don’t start flapping about. If you do then things will get more serious as you displace the water and make the sand denser, and so make it that much harder for you to get your feet free.

  REMEMBER: You are not gonna drown in quicksand, buster. No, you are much more likely to die of thirst or exposure. If you know someone’s gonna be along shortly to pull you out of there then relax, but if not then you better get on with rescuing yourself.

  What you gotta do is lie back and allow yourself to float – the human body is less dense than quicksand so floats easily. The more of your body that lies on top of the water, the better chance you have of freeing your feet.

  Think slow motion…

  The key to freeing yourself is to move very slowly and very gently. Make small circular movements with your feet. No sudden freak-outs. Your aim is to gradually get your whole body to float. Then make tiny circular movements with your hands and paddle yourself to the edge where you can hopefully grab onto something and slither out.

  When walking in an area where there is likely to be quicksand, carry a long strong stick. Use it to feel your way. If you fall into quicksand then it can also be used to free you.

  REMEMBER: A lot of survival advice means going against human instinct: which makes you wonder what we have these instincts for.

  HOW TO SURVIVE A FOREST FIRE

  Where’s the fire?…

  The first clue might just be a plume of smoke in the distance – it might seem like a long way away, but that can change pretty quick. Once you see ash and embers raining down, it could be too late.

  If you can get outta there before the fire moves your way then this should be your first course of action. Don’t hang around taking in the spectacle – fire travels fast and a change in the wind can mean it’s headed in your direction.

  Facts…

  Forest fires travel uphill faster
than they travel downhill.

  Forest fires move faster depending on the strength of the wind. You obviously want to move in the opposite direction to the fire, but if you find yourself on the wrong side of it – i.e. it’s coming towards you – this is easier said than done.

  REMEMBER: Don’t panic! STOP. Stand still. Look around you and assess the situation.

  What you’re looking for is a natural firebreak: this might be a road, a river, a lake or a rocky area with not much vegetation. If you’re lucky enough to find such a spot, put this area between you and the fire.

  Mission accomplished?

  NO, whatever you do, keep moving bozo: this is not the time to breathe a sigh of relief. If you do, you’re likely to get a lungful of smoke – you are not outta the woods yet. Keep on moving away from the blaze as fast as you can. A firebreak might slow the fire down, but it won’t necessarily stop it dead.

  What to do if you’re all outta luck…

  No firebreak in sight? Well, your instinct will quite naturally be to run because who wants to hang around getting burnt to a crisp? But unless you can be sure to run at a steady fourteen miles an hour you wanna think of a better plan.

  REMEMBER: THINK SIDEWAYS.

  What you can do is make your own firebreak by fighting fire with fire.

  So the forest fire is travelling towards you and there’s no way out… this is what you do, and it might seem crazy: set fire to the scrub behind you.

  WARNING: DO NOT LIGHT A FIRE IN FRONT OF YOU (UPWIND OF YOU) BECAUSE IT WILL BE MOVING TOWARDS YOU AND YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF TRAPPED AND IN A WORSE STATE THAN THE ONE YOU WERE ALREADY IN.

  No, instead, light your fire downwind of you so that it travels away from you in the direction of the wind. Once the fire you have set has moved on, you can then run into this burnt-out area. By the time the main forest fire reaches you, it will have nothing to burn and you should be safe inside your firebreak.

  REMEMBER: The ground underfoot may be very hot.

  WARNING: ONLY TAKE THIS VERY DANGEROUS COURSE OF ACTION IF YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY DESPERATE OR YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING. IT IS A LAST RESORT.

  Another last resort…

  This is what you should do: get low, because heat rises. Find a ditch or, failing that, dig a trench no matter how shallow and lie face down on the forest floor. Cover your coat in earth and then pull the earth-covered coat over you, trying not to leave any bare skin exposed. Then wait for the fire to pass. If you’re lucky, the earth both under and over you will protect you from the heat and the flames.

  It goes without saying that if there’s water around then submerge yourself in it rather than chancing the method above.

  HOW TO SURVIVE A RIP CURRENT

  Suddenly Ruby’s surfboard was snatched from under her and she was flipped up, flung backwards and tumbled inside the same giant turquoise wave that moments earlier had been carrying her so skilfully to shore.

  She felt its tremendous power as it swirled her down into the ocean, her body tugged towards the seabed and her limbs wrenched in all directions. The noise pounding in her six-year-old ears was disorientating: she couldn’t see, she couldn’t breathe, she was drowning.

  Then the wave released her, pushed her back through the water, and she was returned to her own element, spluttering and gasping for air. She glanced around for her board, but it was way off in the distance being tumbled and tossed by the breakers. She struck out for shore, but with every stroke she took she found herself further from land.

  She was caught in a rip current.

  This was a tricky situation because I was so young and at that time not very strong, but luckily I had read about these kinds of currents in my encyclopaedia. People sometimes call them rip tides, but they don’t have anything to do with the tide: they’re usually formed at a break in the sandbar beneath the water, when waves coming towards the beach are forced back, through the break, out to sea.

  Contrary to popular belief, they don’t pull you under either – they just pull you out with them.

  Rip currents are still dangerous though because they want to carry you off out to sea and your natural urge is to resist this by swimming against them. You will never win. If you continue to fight the current, you will tire and eventually (without rescue) you’ll be fish food buster.

  Here’s what you gotta do: crazy as it may seem, relax and let the current take you out as far as it’s going to (probably a hundred metres or so) and, once it has released you, swim parallel to the beach until you are past the current’s grip and then head for shore. Rip tides are usually only a metre or so wide, though remember that they can be much wider – up to a hundred metres sometimes.

  If you have a little more experience and strength then you don’t need to wait for the current to stop pulling you: instead, swim parallel to the shoreline. You will find you are still carried out to sea, but will reach the current’s edge more quickly – again, once you no longer feel the current’s pull, you can start heading into shore.

  ‘I saw you waving Ruby honey,’ said her aunt, adjusting her large white sunglasses. ‘You looked like you were having a wonderful time, though I don’t like you swimming so far from shore. I think there are rip tides out there.’

  ‘No kidding,’ said Ruby, sinking to the ground.

  THERE ARE A WHOLE LOTTA CREATURES you wanna avoid in any survival situation, for the obvious reason that they would like to eat you or kill you – or even just bite you a little, which let’s face it is never a whole load of fun.

  SNAKES

  Rattlenakes…

  ADVICE: Never step on a rattlesnake.

  Rattlesnakes are found in various parts of the United States, Canada and Mexico. You find them pretty much everywhere in Central and South America: anywhere that is wilderness.

  When walking in snakish environments, tread carefully. You are not their prey, but they will strike if they feel threatened. Let them know you’re coming and give them the chance to disappear. Avoid reaching under rocks: snakes hide under rocks and in dark hollows to get out of the sun. Always check your footwear before sticking your toes in, likewise sleeping gear.

  If you spot a snake on your travels you might be interested to know: is it life-threatening? What type of reptile is it? My advice: don’t get too close. Better to assume all snakes are dangerous than the other way around.

  REMEMBER: You’re not stopping to make friends here so if you don’t recognise what type of snake you’ve stumbled across then don’t lean in for a closer peek – get outta there bozo!

  If bitten by a snake, you need to get hold of some anti-venom pretty darned quick: not easy in the wilderness.

  You will also need to identify the snake because you need to know what venom you’re dealing with; take the wrong anti-venom and it’s curtains my friend.

  HOW TO SPOT A RATTLER

  Rattlesnakes are pit vipers, not because they live in pits but because they have a small depression (the pit) between the eye and nostril. These are heat sensors, used for detecting prey.

  Like most venomous snakes, they have a flat triangular head, shaped this way for storing venom.

  But the big clue is the rattle on the end of the tail. They use this to warn their enemies to back off, so if you hear it rattle, be warned.

  DEALING WITH THE BITE

  Make sure you don’t get bitten again, so move away from the snake.

  Stay calm, DO NOT RUN AROUND; this will make the poison spread quicker.

  Remove constrictive clothing and watches, rings, etc. – you are probably gonna puff up like a balloon. DO NOT apply a tourniquet.

  Wash the puncture holes with water.

  If you have a snake-bite kit handy then suction the wound; if you don’t then DO NOT USE YOUR MOUTH to suck out the venom.

  Keep the wound lower than your heart and if bitten on the arm then make a sling.

  Get medical assistance.

  How to charm a snake…

  Don’t even go there buster.
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br />   What some people say about snake charming: the snake isn’t so much charmed as confused. And a confused snake is an unpredictable snake.

  SNAKISH INDIVIDUALS

  Confuse ’em. Defuse ’em. Unlike with snakes you are actually charming this poisonous personality. Confusing them by being nice. Killing ’em with kindness.

  Find their weak spot…

  Mrs Bexenheath, she’s the secretary at Twinford Junior High and she can be one tricky customer: sometimes she’s all smiles and nice words and other times she’s a real viper. She can even come across as pretty stupid; this is because she sorta IS pretty stupid (that sounds harsh I know, but it’s accurate). Anyway, what I’m saying is: just because a person ain’t the sharpest knife in the drawer doesn’t mean they ain’t capable of causing you a whole lot of pain. If they’re tricky, like Mrs Bexenheath is, then they need careful handling.

  Mrs Bexenheath, the school secretary, looked up to see what at first glance she imagined must be some Hollywood film star. It was as if he had unwittingly strayed off the ‘walk of fame’ and wandered into the shabby halls of Twinford Junior High – so entirely out of place was he.

  However, this handsome man struck up an easy conversation with her and before a minute had passed Mrs Bexenheath had found herself agreeing to excuse Ruby Redfort from all lessons for the foreseeable future. She had concentrated carefully, all the while staring into his Hollywood eyes, wondering were they brown or were they hazel. And, although after he had left she couldn’t exactly remember why she had excused Ruby from classes, she did find herself very sympathetic.