Hang in There Bozo Read online

  Contents

  Title Page

  1. INTRODUCTION: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR WORST WORRY COMES YOUR WAY

  2. STUFF YOU’LL NEED

  Survival tools

  Spectrum gadgets

  3. GETTING YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME

  Decide to stay calm

  Think sideways

  Be resourceful

  Never give up

  4. SKILLS TO BONE UP ON

  Making a fire

  Finding shelter

  Finding water

  5. WHATEVER YOU DO, BUSTER, DON’T GET LOST

  Trying to find your way in daytime?

  It’s night and you need to know where to go?

  Use a compass, genius.

  Don’t have a compass?

  6. SO YOU GOT LOST, BUSTER?

  What to do if you are lost in the desert

  What to do if you are marooned at sea

  What to do if you are alone in the wilderness and have no clue where you are

  7. OK, SO THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN BEING LOST

  How to survive quicksand

  How to survive a forest fire

  How to survive a rip current

  8. DANGEROUS ANIMALS, INCLUDING THE TWO-LEGGED TALKING VARIETY

  Snakes

  Snakish individuals

  How to sidestep an angry dog

  How to sidestep an angry individual

  Wolves

  Ocean predators

  Alien life forms

  Rhinos

  Bears

  Tigers

  Bullies

  9. SURVIVAL ETIQUETTE

  If you should happen to meet the Queen of England

  Meeting the ambassador

  Dealing with individuals who you suspect might be dangerous

  Dealing with individuals who you know are dangerously dull

  9½. WHEN ETIQUETTE FAILS: GET ME OUTTA HERE SIGNALS

  Fire

  Morse code

  An escape word

  10. CONCLUSION: NOW YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR WORST WORRY COMES YOUR WAY

  BONUS EBOOK CHAPTER:

  How to use your ebook reader in a survival situation

  About the Author

  Back Ads

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  RUBY IS NO FOOL, so the survival advice contained in these pages is based on real information. However, it is only to be used in dire circumstances where your safety is at risk, or with adult supervision, because survival involves techniques and tools that, if not followed carefully, can be extremely dangerous. In other words:

  PLEASE DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME.

  The publishers cannot accept any responsibility for any prosecutions or proceedings suffered, brought or instituted against any person or body as a result of the use or misuse of any techniques described or any loss, injury or damage caused thereby. In practising and perfecting these survival techniques, the rights of landowners and all relevant laws protecting certain species of animals and plants and controlling the use of any weapons must be regarded as paramount.

  REMEMBER: Your worst worry is the worry you haven’t thought to worry about.

  BASICALLY, LIFE IS ALL ABOUT SURVIVAL – you’re dead, you’re outta the game buster.

  Survival: sometimes life is just that. No time to skip around smelling the roses because you’re just too busy gripping onto the cliff edge by your fingernails; you’re exhausted and everything in you is telling you to let go. But ninety-nine times out of a hundred it is worth hanging on in there bozo, because, just as things can change for the worse, so too can they get a whole lot more appealing. One minute you’re crawling around a desert about to die of thirst, the next you’re drinking a glass of ice-cold lemonade, poolside.

  * * *

  The difference between life and death: just a bad roll of the dice?

  * * *

  A calamity can’t always be prevented and luck won’t always be on your side, but you gotta know luck only plays a part.

  REMEMBER: More often than not you can influence how things pan out. Your attitude counts for a lot. NEVER SAY DIE.

  This is my RULE 20: NINETY PER CENT OF SURVIVAL IS ABOUT BELIEVING YOU WILL SURVIVE.

  So long as you keep a cool head then you can make it out of there alive. And, if you make it outta there alive, you have a hope of getting your hands on that glass of ice-cold lemonade. So just keep focused on that, or whatever else it is that gives you a reason to live.

  NO MATTER HOW HOPELESS YOUR SITUATION SEEMS, no matter how tired you are, the thing you gotta do is focus. When in a desperate situation, think about what it is that makes life worth living.

  Simple as that: you have to live because your dog needs walking or Grandma needs a visit.

  Your reward: a jelly donut, an episode of your favourite show. All possible so long as you can dig your way out of that avalanche/navigate your way to land/find water/crawl out of that well/outrun that rhinoceros.

  RIGHT OFF THE BAT you need to know about some useful things to have on your person when things turn bad. OK, so you won’t necessarily carry all these things with you all the time – certainly not if you happen to be a school kid – but if you know you’re headed to the wilderness or the back of beyond then here are some survival equipment suggestions.

  SURVIVAL TOOLS

  It can be super handy to have a mini flashlight with you: I usually keep one clipped to my keyring or my belt loop. Useful not only for illumination, it also can be used for signalling and SOS messages.

  Take a PENCIL (pencils are better than pens because they don’t run out of ink or freeze up in sub-zero conditions).

  A SMALL NOTEBOOK is good – you never know when you might need to note something down or leave a message for someone else. No pencil? You can make charcoal from burnt wood. Or perhaps you need to leave a message on a slightly bigger scale – depending on the terrain, you might find chalk, flints, sticks or other materials.

  UNSUITABLE STICKS:

  A) TOO SMALL B) TOO VEGETARIAN C) JUST DON'T, BOZO

  Fire is your friend in a survival situation so keep your MATCHES safe: don’t waste them and don’t get ’em wet. A good tip is to keep them in a watertight container at all times.

  For obvious reasons a PENKNIFE can be very handy in the wild. Use it for gutting fish, cutting up food, string, bandages, whittling wood, and countless other things.

  You can use SAFETY PINS to remove splinters, replace a missing button or broken zipper, as a fishing hook, to pin a note to a tree, to secure the opening to a makeshift shelter… and I’m sure you’ll find a whole bunch of other things to use ’em for.

  STRING: what can I say? String is just one of those things that can be super useful. It’s light and easy to carry so why not keep it in your backpack for any emergency? You’ll think of a use for it.

  MAGNIFYING GLASS. I’m not gonna dwell on this since I’m sure you all know (but just in case some of you have been living on Mars) you can use a magnifying glass to start a fire. Hold it over some tinder (dry grass and leaves) and let the sun shine through. It will heat up and after a short while make flames. Once you’ve done that, you can use it to look at tiny things.

  REMINDER: In case you’re being a duh brain: this method of fire lighting only works if the sun is out.

  Take a COMPASS that glows in the dark – but make sure you know how to read it or it’ll be worse than useless bozo.

  Take NEEDLES AND THREAD for fixing clothes, or making an improvised compass if you’ve forgotten yours.1 Take a few, and make sure one of them has a very big eye for use with thick threads, or for if you have taken some sinew from a deer to use as thread. You never know, it might happen.

  CANDLES are useful for light w
hen you have made shelter. Choose tallow candles, as these are made from fat and can also be eaten in an emergency.

  If you can then take a little bit of SALT with you; it won’t take up much space and salt is an essential nutrient and often very hard to find in the wild.

  A large POLYTHENE SURVIVAL BAG about two metres by half a metre can be a life-saver. In an emergency you can get inside to preserve heat – but LEAVE YOUR HEAD OUT so you can breathe, bozo. Or, in less of an emergency, you can use it to get water from trees,2 or cut it to make a sheet shelter.3

  SPECTRUM GADGETS

  OK, SO I SHOULD CONFESS HERE that I sometimes get a little helping hand from my spy agency, Spectrum. They supply me with gadgets that have a little more oomph than the regular hardware, if you know what I’m saying.

  Here are some examples of handy life-savers that have gotten me out of more than one or two scrapes.

  THE BREATHING BUCKLE

  To be used underwater. Slip buckle off belt, place between teeth and breathe comfortably for twenty-seven minutes, two seconds. Warning! No reserve air canister.

  This gadget may be unexciting to look at, but it sure is a life-saver. Take my recent run-in with a giant strangling cephalopod: I would have been deep down ocean-bound, soon to be sleeping with the fishes, if it hadn’t been for this little baby.

  Ruby raised her gaze one last time. Say goodbye to your world, she told herself, and as she did so, she saw a little silver fish swimming down to escort her away to the underworld. It twinkled in the gloom and she looked at it as it moved closer and closer and became not a fish but a buckle.

  The Spectrum breathing buckle... She snatched it in her hand and placed it between her teeth. Oxygen filled her lungs.

  Air, she thought…

  LIMPET LIGHTS

  Also known as Hansel and Gretel find-your-way-home glows. Underwater phosphorescent lights for making a trail. Guaranteed not to move. Duration five hours.

  These work well in an ocean and are especially useful in rough water since they are tough little suckers and won’t budge for anything… well, not unless you have the special deactivation removal device. They are disguised to look like some strange kind of sea mollusc so, unless you are familiar with limpet lights, you won’t realise they are actually alien to the seabed.

  Ruby had been gone far too long and Clancy was beginning to flap.

  ‘Darn it Rube, I knew this would happen, I knew it.’ He spat these words into the night air as he reluctantly pulled on the wetsuit.

  ‘When I find you, if I find you, I’m gonna explain just how much I hate you, I’m gonna really spell it out in really big letters.’

  Clancy Crew had no more respect for any creature on the planet than he did for Ruby Redfort, but right at that exact minute he wasn’t lying: he did hate her. He slipped into the black water, all the time praying that the two sea monsters currently at each other’s throats (or was it gills?) wouldn’t turn their attention on him.

  Clancy ducked under the ocean’s surface and headed for the islands. Beyond this general direction, it occurred to him that he had no way of knowing what route Ruby had taken or where she had ended up.

  Drowned probably, he thought. Not only am I swimming off on a wild goose chase, but I am gonna have to be grossed out by your dead body.

  He was furious.

  But as he swam his attention was caught by small twinkling lights ahead of him: tiny phosphorescent creatures. It was strange how they were scattered at intervals, almost in a line.

  He followed their trail; where would it lead him?

  Of course! he thought. To Ruby!

  So limpet lights are pretty smart, but for my money I think ground glows are smarter still.

  GROUND GLOWS

  To be used when trekking at night in uncertain terrain. Help the trekker retrace his/her steps, or a specified ally to follow the same route. Made up of two parts: pebble-like glow light and discreet shoe fix activator. Instructions: attach activator to footwear and drop pebble glows as you walk. Pebbles will only light when in range of the activator. Multiple activators can be issued.

  WARNING: AFTER HEAVY RAINFALL THEY CAN BE ERRATIC AND UNRELIABLE.

  These are clever little illuminators because they have the advantage of only being useful to the user. They are very discreet and very handy if you want an agent to follow your trail at a later time without tipping off an enemy tracker. They have aided the rescue of more than a few Spectrum agents over the years.

  GETAWAY SHOES

  Depress green button on base of left shoe to convert to ‘roller shoes’.

  If you think these are like those lame wheelie shoes this kid at my school has then you have no idea what kind of outfit Spectrum is.

  Depress red button on base of right shoe to activate power jets. Maximum speed ninety-one miles per hour for a distance of seven miles approx. Warning! Can cause feet to overheat. Avoid use on rugged terrain.

  I’ve tried these and all I can say is they are pretty darn cool even when they overheat.

  THE VOICE THROWER

  This works in the same way as any distraction device by throwing your target off course. It is a highly sophisticated version of throwing a stone to divert attention away from you.

  Something in the gadget drawer caught Ruby’s eye. It was a silver whistle – looked like a dog whistle but the label was smudged. Maybe it was the ribbon, maybe it was the fact that she had always wanted a silver dog whistle, but Ruby found that she couldn’t resist slipping it over her head and looking at her reflection in the glass.

  She blew into it – no sound at all. Surely it wasn’t just a dog whistle? She blew into it again and again, still nothing. In her frustration she started blowing and inhaling in the way that one might suck air in and out of a harmonica.

  ‘Must be busted,’ said Ruby out loud, but her voice seemed to be coming from far, far away. For a second she was puzzled and then it dawned on her: the whistle was no whistle, it was a voice thrower.

  She inhaled again. ‘Hello,’ she said. This time her voice sounded as if it was coming from right behind her. She experimented some more – there were four little holes in the whistle, and whichever one her finger covered determined the direction her voice came from – north, east, south or west of her. Point the whistle up – her voice was thrown above her.

  It was precisely at the moment she called out the words, ‘I’m over here!’ that someone else decided to enter the room.

  Ruby quickly ducked down behind the cabinets.

  ‘Did you hear that?’ said a voice she didn’t recognise.

  Ruby froze.

  Oh boy, now I’m in trouble.

  Now you might think to yourself, a voice thrower, so what? Nice party trick, but how can that be a life-saving gadget? Well buster, it sure as heck saved my life. Take this little situation for example…

  Nine Lives Capaldi raised the little gun and pointed it at Hitch.

  ‘Any last words?’ she said.

  ‘Let me think,’ said Hitch, ‘I’m sure I can come up with something.’

  Ruby felt for the dog whistle still around her neck.

  Nine Lives took aim. ‘You better think fast.’ Her finger was squeezing the trigger. ‘Too bad I’m gonna mess up that nice suit of yours.’

  Ruby brought the whistle to her lips and gently inhaled.

  ‘All out of thoughts? Well, I guess it’s time to say adios,’ laughed Nine Lives. ‘Look into my eyes – they’ll be the last you see.’

  ‘Not quite!’ shouted Ruby. Her voice appeared to be coming from just behind Capaldi, who spun round in confusion – just enough time for Hitch to lunge towards her and grab hold of the diamond revolver...

  You see what I’m saying? A split second can buy you a lotta time. Time to flee the scene or, failing that, get stuck into one mother of a fight. Either way you gain the advantage and in a survival-type situation the advantage is what you are looking for.

  These are a few Spectrum gadgets I keep abou
t my person – depending on the situation of course, but let’s just say you are stuck, for whatever reason, without any of your trusty life-savers, what then?

  THIS IS WHERE YOUR IMAGINATION COMES INTO ITS OWN. It’s when you gotta be resourceful. People have been surviving for thousands of years in harsh environments and tricky predicaments and you can too so long as you make the right decisions.

  Homo sapiens is the most adaptable species on the planet, which is why we have risen to the top of the heap and messed things up for most other species. However, if we put this failing aside for a second, we can remember that we truly are survivors by design.

  We are survivors because we can…

  IMPROVISE.

  DECIDE TO STAY CALM

  Clancy has a tendency to panic when in a possible life-and-death situation, but he has developed a technique to deal with this temporary loss of nerve. It involves a little bit of method acting – in other words, pretending to be someone else: someone braver. It’s not a bad trick if all else fails.

  How does it work?

  Just pick a person you admire: a superhero, a fictional character, or an expert at whatever it is you happen to be encountering. Darn it, a comedian will do if it helps you to see the funny side – just imagine yourself as someone who might be able to deal with whatever it is you are having to deal with, and sort of become them, inhabit their mind.

  This technique can be used in all sorts of situations: when one is public speaking, taking a test or exam, or about to face one’s biggest fear.

  ‘So Clancy, how did you manage to jump that roof? I thought I had lost you there for sure.’

  Ruby was impressed. She was also astonished, and above all she was relieved to see her friend all in one piece. If he hadn’t jumped, it was unlikely that he would have survived at the hands of the deadly Baby Face Marshall, but if he hadn’t jumped far enough, he would have been dead for sure.