Hang in There Bozo Read online

  ‘Of course! Of course, she must take all the time she needs,’ she had gushed.

  ‘Just remember, Mrs Bexenheath, keep it hush hush – oh and don’t bother Mr and Mrs Redfort, if you need to ask anything then be sure to bother me.’

  ‘Oh, I will, I will,’ said Mrs Bexenheath sincerely.

  Hitch thanked the school secretary for her warmth and kind-heartedness, and promised that yes, he would make a point of visiting the school again soon. Then he said goodbye and returned to the car where Ruby was waiting.

  ‘So?’ said Ruby when Hitch got back into the driver’s seat.

  ‘Mrs Bexenheath passed on her warmest wishes and insists you take all the time you need.’

  ‘Really? What did you tell the old crab apple?’ asked Ruby.

  Ignore…

  There are exceptions to the killing with kindness rule and Wendall Levitt is one of them.

  Mr Levitt is himself a contender for Grinch of the Year and should be avoided at all times; though as with rattlesnakes this is not always possible. He happens to run the local pet store: I totally avoid entering the premises, but sometimes Bug ambles in looking for dog biscuits. Mr Levitt is no animal lover – he loves people even less.

  For old Mr Levitt it wouldn’t matter if he woke up to find he had won the lottery, he would still feel he had been short-changed. Spend fifty cents: you’re wasting his time. Spend fifty dollars: now he has to spend time restocking the shelves in his store.

  What to do if your husky wanders into a pet store owned by a Snakish Individual who thinks he is being Reasonable…

  Ruby watched as her dog, Bug, ambled into Mr Levitt’s store. She winced, knowing that there was no way the husky was going to come out of there without her going in after him.

  Over the years, she had watched Mrs Digby dealing with the problem unsuccessfully and getting into one scrap after another. Mrs Digby’s problem was that she was not prepared to put up with the old man’s complaints and arguments and general blaming of everyone else. Fair enough, thought Ruby, but the downside was that Mrs Digby would always come out fuming and battle-weary.

  Ruby had adopted a better method. What she had figured out was that there is no point getting into an argument with someone who knows they are right – even if you know that they are not.

  You are best to totally ignore this person. You will never make them see the light, and you will die trying. (See ‘How to survive a Rip Current’) They will never, ever like you because, let’s be straight here: they don’t like anyone and this ain’t gonna change, not in a million.

  Ignore, ignore, ignore.

  A last word on snakes…

  So long as you don’t come into contact with their fangs, snakes are pretty harmless… well, except for anacondas and pythons and the strangling or swallowing types.

  Anacondas…

  The anaconda is a huge animal-swallowing snake, often in excess of five metres long and capable of opening its jaws incredibly wide to digest an entire goat, deer or caiman (South American crocodile) without taking one bite.

  So there you are in the Amazon rainforest, just tucking in for the night, when you realise it isn’t your sleeping bag you’re snuggling into, but a giant anaconda. What do you do?

  First of all, don’t struggle; it won’t get you anywhere and you’ll just waste valuable energy.

  What you should do is stay calm (yeah, right) then slowly reach for your handy penknife which you should keep attached to your belt for just such an emergency. Pull it close to your chest and hold it in both hands. Now wait. That’s the hard part; you gotta wait until you’re all but swallowed up in the snake’s body. Once your arms are inside, point the knife straight up and stab the snake through the head: this will kill it. You can then pull yourself free and climb out unharmed.

  Don’t be surprised if you feel a little bit wobbly after this encounter – it’s perfectly natural.

  HOW TO SIDESTEP AN ANGRY DOG

  So you’re walking back from the store happily stuffing candy into your mouth when you’re confronted by an angry dog.

  Angry dogs are dangerous dogs.

  Never look an angry dog in the eye. Never turn your back on an angry dog and for jeepers sake never run away. You wanna keep the animal in your sights without looking directly at it and without showing you’re either scared stupid or up for a fight. Easier said than done.

  Try and look confident – hey, you can even yawn like you couldn’t care less.

  How do you know if the dog is angry? Well, check its tail. If the tail is standing up, that pooch might just be furious. If it’s low and moving from side to side, you’re probably OK.

  Now take a peek at Fido’s mouth. Are his lips back, his teeth bared and his ears forward?

  Bad sign.

  Ears back? This is a little better: chances are he’s scared and ready to protect himself, but won’t just attack you for no reason.

  You’re pretty sure the dog IS angry? OK, try these tips:

  Lick your lips. Dogs send calming signals to other dogs by licking their noses – now you know this, you will notice it all the time! If you can lick your lips really obviously, it will show that you’re not a threat.

  Yawn. I wasn’t kidding about this. A person or a dog who is yawning is not a person or a dog who is spoiling for a fight – so it will send a signal that you’re not aggressive. And possibly that you’re sleepy.

  Back away, without looking the dog in the eye.

  Best of all: back away while yawning and licking your lips. I’m serious here buster.

  In many ways dealing with an angry individual is very like dealing with an angry dog. So the same basic advice applies to managing this particular situation.

  HOW TO SIDESTEP AN ANGRY INDIVIDUAL

  First off, if at all possible, avoid them! Sometimes this is not so easy since angry people are often spoiling for a fight. If the avoidance method is not available to you: let ’em talk – just make soothing noises and calming gestures.

  WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND ARGUE WITH THEM: EVEN REASONING CAN BE RISKY IF THEY ARE VERY MAD.

  Work hard to appear like you’re interested in their ranting and are really taking on board their grievances and general tiresome moaning.

  Be careful not to sound patronising or afraid: this only makes a mad person madder; it’s an indication to them that they are coming across as unreasonable and this infuriates them further.

  WARNING: DO NOT LOOK LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET OUTTA THERE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.

  ADVICE: Get outta there as fast as possible.

  Mr Parker, our neighbour, is a very angry person and even a friendly hello can put a crimp in his day. My dad always says, ‘Wave and walk on by.’ Pretty good advice coming from the world’s friendliest man.

  Sometimes, though, you just can’t avoid a confrontation with such an individual. In that case, my advice is: lie like crazy.

  Vapona Bugwart had got a hold of Clancy Crew’s math book; she was throwing it up in the air to her sidekick the nasty Gemma Melamare. They were enjoying themselves until they saw the school bus coming.

  ‘Gotta split,’ sneered Vapona, then tossed the book as high as she could and flung it right over Mr Parker’s fence.

  Clancy stood motionless.

  ‘Oh brother!’ he moaned. The last thing he felt like doing was coming face to face with Mr Parker, but on the other hand the very last thing he felt like doing was explaining to his dad how he hadn’t been able to do his math homework because some girl had thrown it into some guy’s yard.

  He took a deep breath and scaled the fence adjoining Mr Parker’s house: it was a brave move, but the thing was he could see his math book lying there in the midst of Mr Parker’s roses, and there was no sign of Mr Parker himself. The coast was clear: if he was quick, no one would see.

  However, just as Clancy reached the rose bed, he felt a nasty tug to his ear.

  ‘What are you doing in my yard sonny?’ Mr Parker was beside himself; he look
ed just about ready to call the cops. Clancy was in a lot of pain and all out of explanations. Lucky for him that’s when Ruby Redfort showed up.

  ‘Did you catch it Clance?’ she wheezed, as if she had been running.

  Clancy stared at her. He had no idea what she was talking about. ‘Uh… umm?’ he said.

  Clancy was looking at Ruby out of the corner of his eye, trying to catch her drift; his ear was still being tightly held by Mr Parker.

  MR PARKER: ‘Catch what? What are you kids up to?’

  RUBY: ‘Oh, hi there Mr Parker.’ Ruby was looking around her, concerned but confident. ‘You see,’ she continued, her palms upturned in a sort of “trust me” gesture, ‘Clancy saw a giant rodent run into your rose bushes; my father says they play havoc with roses and are always chewing up his and just give ’em two seconds and, well, you can forget about winning that best-in-show rose award if you know what I’m saying. Thank goodness Clancy was there; he practically flew over your fence when he saw it, didn’t you Clance?’

  CLANCY: ‘...Yeah? ... Oh... uh huh.’

  RUBY: ‘Clance just hates those giant rodents, don’t you Clance?’

  CLANCY: ‘Hate ’em.’

  RUBY: ‘Clance is a real rose appreciator.’

  Mr Parker let go of Clancy’s ear and cocked his head to one side as if he was considering what Ruby had said. Clancy backed away slowly and, while Ruby continued to make calming conversation, he retrieved his book. Mr Parker had his eyes fixed on Ruby and didn’t see. Ruby’s eyes were looking towards the house, away from Clancy; she looked casual, relaxed.

  ‘My dad uses rodent wire to prevent the critters getting anywhere near his roses, but when you have roses as fantastical as yours, I imagine even rodent wire doesn’t keep ’em away.’

  Mr Parker looked pleased: he liked the idea of rodents being attracted to his roses.

  CLANCY: ‘I’m afraid I didn’t catch it. I think it went into the Smithersons’ yard. I better go and warn them.’

  Mr Parker disliked the Smithersons even more than he disliked school kids so he couldn’t help looking pleased about this.

  Ruby yawned. ‘We better get going now Mr Parker.’ She walked in a loop around him and he watched them go; he just stood there unsure what he should think, the anger gone, and then he sat back down on his deckchair a tad bewildered.

  WOLVES

  Ruby and Clancy had been trekking for several hours; the moon was full and casting an eerie glow over the craggy mountain tops. The clouds dragged slowly across the sky and, apart from the sliding of loose stones underfoot, the night was quiet.

  Neither of them spoke as they made their way quickly but carefully down the rocky escarpment; they didn’t speak a word until they entered the dense pine forest that circled the mountain’s edge. The trees stood tall and straight and perfectly still.

  They came to a stop and looked around them. The silence was broken by a howl that echoed through the forest and reached far into the night.

  ‘Did you hear that?’ said Clancy, his voice full of alarm.

  ‘Wolves,’ said Ruby.

  ‘Wolves? Did you say wolves?’ said Clancy. ‘I have a thing about wolves.’

  ‘You have a thing about most things,’ replied Ruby, marching ahead.

  ‘I know but I have a particular thing about wolves,’ he continued.

  ‘Oh yeah, and what particular thing is that?’ said Ruby.

  ‘I particularly don’t like them,’ said Clancy.

  ‘I expect they feel the same way about you,’ said Ruby.

  ‘But they aren’t scared of me,’ shivered Clancy.

  ‘Yeah, well, I wouldn’t let on if I were you; wolves are good at identifying the weak and vulnerable.’

  ‘Now I’m really scared,’ said Clancy, looking into the dark forest. ‘People always identify me as weak and vulnerable.’

  ‘Clance, wolves don’t usually attack humans… well, not unless the wolves in question have rabies.’

  ‘Is that meant to help?’ said Clancy, looking at her in disbelief.

  ‘It’s highly unlikely they have the disease, not here,’ Ruby reassured him. ‘No, these ones are more likely to attack because they see kids, particularly scared kids, as an easy meal ticket.’

  Clancy turned to look at Ruby. ‘Are you for real?’

  ‘I’m just saying,’ she shrugged. ‘I’m not trying to freak you out.’

  ‘Well, FYI, I am freaked out, OK!’ said Clancy.

  If there is likely to be an encounter with wolves…

  Make a fire (remember to follow the correct fire-safety procedure).

  Climb a tree (you can sleep up it – see ‘Finding Shelter’).

  Look strong but unthreatening.

  Wolves are pack animals: there is always a leader and the pack does what the leader says. Wolves are looking for easy prey so don’t appear vulnerable and don’t come across as scared.

  OCEAN PREDATORS

  Ruby started to make for the ocean surface. And then she caught her breath. Menacing grey shapes, like circling planes above her.

  Sharks.

  They were between her and the boat; they were between her and the boat and her and the rest of the ocean; they were everywhere, surrounding her, circling like some bullying mob.

  But one of them wasn’t circling; one of them was moving towards her…

  OK, so you meet that shark you’ve been so eager to run into ever since you saw the film about the man-eating great white monster chomping on the surf-loving public.

  What do you do?

  As with so many of these situations, it’s best to go against instinct and act bold and brave rather than flapping your arms and peeing yourself.

  If you are under the water…

  Stay still. If it comes towards you then swim towards it.

  Sharks spend most of their time looking for something good to chow down on and they are not known for their good eyesight. What they aren’t looking for is a fight so, by swimming toward them, you are letting them know that you do not consider yourself dinner.

  If your shark friend doesn’t take the hint then poke it with a stick. If you don’t have a stick then bop it on the nose with the flat of your palm.

  FACT: Sharks have very sensitive schnozzes.

  If you are swimming above the surface and you spot a shark…

  Do not thrash around and for jeepers sake do not start peeing yourself.

  Fight back: sharks can’t be bothered to take on an angry swimmer if there’s something a bit tastier out there like a nice blubbery seal. Put your head underwater and shout; sharks don’t like a commotion. Swim with firm, strong strokes – don’t flap about like you’re scared stupid; they might mistake you for an injured fish.

  If they do take a bite, they’re more than likely not gonna take another: human flesh is not their thing, but this doesn’t make a whole lotta difference as to whether you bleed to death or not. The good news is that the cold of the water will mask the agony of the bite and most victims claim to hardly feel anything due to the amount of adrenaline surging through their body.

  This adrenaline will help you swim to shore. If you have a way of making yourself a tourniquet to stem the blood flow, so much the better. The two big dangers are loss of blood and dying of shock.

  REMEMBER: Most people survive shark attacks.

  ‘Clance,’ Ruby said. ‘Sharks are not interested in human flesh – most attacks happen by accident. The shark spots a swimmer, mistakes it for a seal and goes over to investigate. The problem comes because sharks explore with their teeth – more often than not they take a bite and think better of it.’

  ‘That’s very reassuring Rube – I feel a whole lot better – just wait while I go dive into the ocean.’

  ‘What you gotta do,’ continued Ruby, ignoring her friend’s sarcasm, ‘is try not to pee – they take this as a sign of vulnerability. Failing that, if he’s got you in his jaws, bop him on the nose with your fist. The nose is very sensitive on a sha
rk. He’ll soon let go – on the whole sharks can’t be bothered to fight. They’re not used to it.’

  ‘Well, there’s a coincidence,’ said Clancy, ‘neither am I!’

  FACT: You cannot outswim a shark.

  FACT: A great white shark can detect a drop of blood in an Olympic-sized pool. In other words, these guys are excellent sniffers.

  If you do get chomped a little then get yourself to shore as quickly as possible.

  ALIEN LIFE FORMS

  It is very disconcerting to find yourself face to face with someone not of your species.

  Ruby wasn’t sure at first, but there was something strange about the way Mrs Hasselberg was drinking her coffee. Whenever she raised her cup to take a sip, she sort of dangled her finger in her drink, which seemed to cause an alarming gurgling sound. Ruby couldn’t be a hundred per cent sure, but she suspected that Mrs Hasselberg might be drinking cappuccino through her index finger.

  What to do when confronted by alien life forms…

  Firstly, you must ascertain if they are friend or foe. This can be difficult – remember they may not understand your customs or greetings. A smile and a handshake may be considered highly aggressive actions and mistaken for baring of teeth and grabbing of limb or, in some cases, tentacle.

  Try to keep a respectful distance and not stare. If it transpires the alien in question is foe, act like you are unaware of their hostile status – i.e. just play along – and, when the moment allows, give them the slip and run like crazy.

  WARNING: ALIENS OFTEN HAVE CONCEALED ZAPPERS.

  OK, so not everyone believes in alien life forms and maybe you’re one of them, but all I can say is it’s best to observe RULE 11 and BE PREPARED. The Boy Scouts have it right about that one.