Hang in There Bozo Read online

  Either way, if you believe or don’t believe, the above can be very useful info for encounters with all kinds of folks from the murderous to the downright boring. (See ‘Survival Etiquette’.)

  RHINOS

  Bad eyesight and great hearing make the rhino a little paranoid. Your best bet is to climb a tree if you’re lucky enough to spot one while the rhino is charging. If you find yourself unable to get your jello legs climbing then stand behind the tree and cross your fingers.

  All outta trees? Run in the opposite direction: rhinos are speedy on their feet (they can hit thirty-five miles an hour) but they are carrying a lot of weight so they aren’t so quick at the turns.

  BEARS

  The first thing you gotta know about bears is they are unpredictable. Sometimes the best thing you can do is drop to the ground and play dead and sometimes this action merely suggests an easy meal and can cause you to wind up mauled to death. Sometimes it’s best to face up to them, making yourself as big as possible, and wave your arms and shout your head off, but oftentimes this just enrages them and you may end up without a head, you just never know. For this reason it’s wise to avoid meeting a bear at all costs.

  BAD IDEA #1

  YOU ARE PROBABLY JUST ENRAGING THE ANIMAL.

  How to avoid a bear…

  Never carry food in your pockets, not a morsel, not a mint; bears have an exceptional sense of smell and they are scroungers. Always make a lot of noise when walking in bear country; bears hate to be surprised. If you spot a bear, try and get downwind of it so it can’t sniff you out; these guys really have amazing noses.

  FACTS ABOUT BEARS

  They can rip a car open like a tin can.

  They smell very, very well. Some experts believe a bear can smell carrion (the flesh of a dead animal) from thirty kilometres away.

  They can swim.

  They can climb trees.

  They can outrun a human, no problem at all.

  They can dig.

  They are stronger than the strongest man.

  What to do if you should meet a bear…

  Wish you hadn’t.

  BAD IDEA #2

  CARRYING EVEN A MORSEL OF FOOD ON YOU, BOZO.

  I have met some bears in my time, but all of them have been the human variety. Most people you can suss out, but some can be very unpredictable. Once you work out what makes ’em tick, you have the advantage, but until you do, never jump to any conclusions. You just have to go on instinct and your main instinct, like with bears, should be to get on outta there as fast as possible.

  TIGERS

  Tigers are beautiful creatures as pretty much anyone will agree, but they are not to be messed with: they can break your neck as quick as look at you so it’s important to avoid any kinda embrace with this particular big cat. If you should be so unfortunate as to come face to face with one, whatever you do:

  WARNING: DON’T RUN.

  Have you ever watched a house cat run after a mouse? You make a dash for it, you might as well grow a pair of big pink ears and a long tail because you’re acting like said rodent.

  WARNING: DON’T STAND THERE LOOKING AT IT.

  This leaves your neck exposed and a tiger is looking to clamp its jaws round your neck and snap your spine. They can do this with one bite.

  ADVICE: Drop to the ground and play dead.

  This confuses them: they aren’t expecting their prey to suddenly stop running – they don’t know what it could mean. The thrill of the chase over, the tiger pads off – no guaranteed results, but it’s your best chance and let’s face it, chance is all you got.

  Same goes for dealing with bullies and general taunting.

  BULLIES

  Ignoring them is often the best method – you give nothing back, what’s the joy in them bothering you?

  ‘Hey, look who it is Gemma, little Red Ridingfort and her helper, Nancy Drew.’

  ‘Yeah,’ sneered Gemma Melamare, applying more make-up to her perfect, bland little face, ‘do you think they’re off to goody-goody club?’

  ‘I doubt it,’ yawned Vapona, ‘they are so boring that even the squeaky cleans don’t want them hanging around.’

  Ruby and Clancy sat down on the bench and, milkshakes in hand, continued to talk.

  Vapona and Gemma came right up close; Vapona picked up Clancy’s drink and sniffed it.

  Ruby batted the air. ‘I wouldn’t touch that Clance, there’s some nasty bugs about.’

  ‘Really?’ said Clancy.

  ‘Yeah, you can’t be too careful,’ said Ruby.

  They carried on talking about other things while Melamare and Bugwart did their best to get up their noses. It was futile. Ruby and Clancy were like Zen masters: Clancy had had years of practice ignoring his sisters and Ruby, well, Ruby had studied every book on the subject.

  ‘Can you hear a buzzing sound?’ asked Clancy.

  ‘I can Clance, must be gnats or something. How about we split the scene?’

  ‘Yeah, good idea, I can smell a bad smell and I think it’s attracting flies.’

  On the other hand, you may want to do a Del Lasco1 and sock ’em in the mouth. I am not suggesting this will work or that you should do it, but it’s the only way Del Lasco knows: she is highly volatile when provoked.

  WARNING: DON’T PROVOKE DEL LASCO.

  THERE ARE CERTAIN FORMAL OCCASIONS when a certain type of behaviour is required or indeed appreciated, occasions which involve etiquette. Etiquette basically means rules and rituals and customs. When to nod, bow, kneel, walk backwards – you get the idea.

  IF YOU SHOULD HAPPEN TO MEET THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND

  Curtsey.

  Or bow depending on your male/female status.

  Call her Your Majesty.

  After this first greeting is over, you can call her mam as in ham not marm as in balm.

  i.e.:

  Curtsey.

  RUBY: ‘Hello, Your Majesty.’

  QOE: ‘Hello and how are you?’

  RUBY: ‘Just swell mam.’

  QOE: ‘Oh, you’re American.’

  Queen extends hand; you shake it. Conversation over. You walk backwards three paces and curtsey or bow as applicable.

  MEETING THE AMBASSADOR

  Call him or her Your Excellency – they like this as it makes them feel like being the ambassador was worth all the long hours and living in a rented home.

  General note…

  People who have titles – Lord, Lady, Viscount, Sir, Dame, etc. – really like you to use ’em so, if you want to get a titled person onside, don’t forget to stick it on the envelope.

  DEALING WITH INDIVIDUALS WHO YOU SUSPECT MIGHT BE DANGEROUS

  I have watched at least 500 TV shows where, during the episode, it dawns on one of the characters that the person they are in conversation with is, in fact, some kind of murdering psychopath.

  Almost without fail, what they do next is to either… blurt out that they know:

  FOOLISH SOON-TO-BE VICTIM: ‘I thought it was you all along that murdered old Mr Caspian, but when I saw you loading that body bag into the trunk of your car, I knew for sure. No one else might have seen it, but I did. I’m gonna call the police right now and they’ll be here in no time – so where’s your phone?’

  EVIL PSYCHOPATH: ‘Now what would I do with a phone? I don’t have anyone to call... all dead, you see.’

  FOOLISH SOON-TO-BE VICTIM: ‘OK, I guess I’ll have to walk and, once I make it to the police station, I’m going to tell them just where you stowed the body.’

  EVIL PSYCHOPATH: ‘And just how are you going to do that when you no longer have a head?’ {Evil laughter.}

  Or they make their fear so obvious, via their body language, that the murdering psychopath is tipped off:

  EVIL PSYCHOPATH: ‘So, would you like to stay for a glass of lemonade or something?’

  FOOLISH SOON-TO-BE VICTIM: ‘Yes, why not.’ {Spots large axe in corner of hallway, eyes drawn to drops of blood on stair carpet, gulps furtively, looks round
room seeking escape route. Profuse sweating.} ‘You know what, um, I suddenly feel a little queasy. I just might head off home.’ {Whites of eyes clearly visible.}

  EVIL PSYCHOPATH: ‘Head off you say…? Now that’s an idea.’ {Evil laughter.}

  Both these reactions lead to the individual becoming the next victim.

  What you should do instead…

  As in the alien example, act nice, keep friendly, make a plausible excuse and get out of there as quick as possible.

  EVIL PSYCHOPATH: ‘So, would you like to stay for a glass of lemonade or something?’

  YOU: ‘Yes, that would be lovely, but could I trouble you to add some fresh mint in mine? Mint gives it that pizzazz, you know what I’m saying?’ {Casual delivery, easy-going shrug.}

  EVIL PSYCHOPATH: ‘I agree. I’ll just get a sharp knife to cut it with.’

  YOU: ‘I have a better idea: you get the ice from the icebox and I’ll wander out into the garden and see if I can’t find the mint. I’m so looking forward to that drink! Boy, am I ever in need of it!’ {Pocket the car keys unobserved, walk slowly out, smiling, taking in the day, whistle (hum if you can’t whistle) – act your pants off. Get in that car and drive, bozo, drive!}

  WARNING: DON’T BE SURPRISED IF YOU FIND FRESH MINT LOSES ITS PIZZAZZ.

  DEALING WITH INDIVIDUALS WHO YOU KNOW ARE DANGEROUSLY DULL

  Here I am assuming that your aim is not to hurt the dull person’s feelings.

  In this situation you might want to fake a coughing fit: if they offer to assist by fetching you water, just wave weakly and indicate that you will do better if you sit alone in the bathroom until the fit passes. You can legitimately run from the scene without offending.

  Sometimes one might be at a party or social gathering where drinks are served; here a popular ploy can be to offer to get your boring companion a beverage and then simply not return. This method leaves a lot to be desired since it is all too obvious what you are doing and feelings can be squashed.

  Other ways out…

  A: MAN-EATING SHARK B: CUNNING WOLF C: EXPLODING DYNAMITE D: VORACIOUS BEAR E: EVIL PSYCHOPATH F: ALIEN FRIEND OR FOE G: HRH THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND

  EXAMPLE 1

  Fake sudden memory of an appointment you are meant to be at or a phone call you urgently need to make. You can cleverly link this to something your boring companion is droning on about; this leads them to believe that your vacating the area is spontaneous.

  BORING INDIVIDUAL: ‘In 1972 I had a wonderful summer break watching antelope bathe in a watering hole.’

  YOU: ‘Oh my good gosh! That reminds me, I’m meant to be meeting Aunty Lopes at the swimming baths! Excuse me while I skedaddle.’

  EXAMPLE 2

  Explain that you need to check on an ageing relative without delay.

  ‘I must call my Grandpa Louie. He’s seventy-two and fell down a water main last week while on vacation.’

  EXAMPLE 3

  Introduce your companion to another party-goer, continue conversing for three minutes and give them both the slip.

  ‘Clancy, you must meet Alice Meindnumb! We’ve been having the most fascinating conversation about antelope bathing… talking of which I might just take a little trip to the bathroom myself.’ {Scowl from Clancy.}

  EXAMPLE 4

  Excuse yourself to help the host.

  ‘Sounds like our host is trying to wrestle a whole herd of antelope in the kitchen. I’ll just see what I can do to help.’

  EXAMPLE 5

  Start acting strangely.

  ‘Antelopes! That takes me back to my student days. I once lived with one you know, very personable, but after a while his knees gave up; he was afraid of the elevator you see and living in an apartment block with nineteen flights of stairs did him no good at all, especially on the days when he went grocery shopping.’

  Boring individual will excuse himself and rush from scene.

  When nothing else comes to mind…

  Faint.

  SOMETIMES WORDS WILL FAIL YOU, other times the obvious words can be too obvious, and sometimes words are just not an option – this is when get me outta here signals can come in handy.

  FIRE

  Looking to be spotted by a plane or ship? OK, buster: light three fires. This is an internationally recognised distress signal.

  MORSE CODE

  Morse code is pretty useful. Me and Clancy Crew use it all the time to communicate in class. But if you’re not gonna learn the whole alphabet, you need to at least remember one little word: SOS.

  This is maybe the most famous signal in the world and you can make it with a torch, a fire, a radio – all sorts of things.

  Here’s what you need to know buster:

  LETTER

  IN MORSE CODE

  OR…

  S

  dot dot dot

  . . .

  O

  dash dash dash

  – – –

  SOS

  dot dot dot

  dash dash dash dot dot dot

  . . . – – – . . .

  Imagine you’re in a life raft at night and you see a ship passing. You have a torch in your kit. What you do is use the on/off switch to make:

  Three short flashes.

  Three long flashes.

  Then three short flashes again.

  So, you just signalled SOS in Morse code and now you gotta sit on that raft and hope like crazy that that big old ship makes an about-turn and picks you up. You gotta cross your fingers that the captain wasn’t taking a little bathroom break when you were signalling your distress. If he was, you better take a look at the ‘Marooned at sea’ section.

  AN ESCAPE WORD

  This can be a very good idea when you are in a tight spot: bored to tears at a social engagement, needing to get outta somewhere fast, trying to communicate that you have been captured by a dangerous criminal without letting on you are actually asking to be rescued. These are all good reasons to use an escape word.

  Clancy Crew tried to remember all the things Ruby had said during their telephone conversation just the other night. That had been the last time Clancy had heard from Ruby. Had Ruby been trying to tell him something? Maybe she had been captured by some arch-villain and was trying to let Clancy know her whereabouts in some sort of code.

  Now Clancy thought of it, it did seem strange that Ruby had mentioned that she was having tapioca pudding in China. Ruby Redfort hated tapioca pudding – everybody knew that! And just what was she doing in China?

  Don’t pick a word that is either too common or too obscure. For example: cat.

  It would be awkward if the subject of cats came up in conversation if this was your escape code word.

  Equally, don’t get too complicated. For example: you might find it a bit of a struggle and therefore a giveaway trying to work xylophone into your conversation.

  VILLAIN: ‘Would you like to stay for dinner in my remote castle?’

  YOU: ‘Well, the thing is, I ought to go home and practise my xylophone.’

  A GOOD ESCAPE WORD EXAMPLE

  Canary is a good code word because it isn’t commonly used in chit-chat, but can be inserted easily into most conversations.

  BOTHERSOME PERSON: ‘Can I show you my collection of unusual hats? The unusual thing about them is that they are all exactly the same.’

  YOU: ‘I bought a wonderful canary yellow hat last week that would be divine with those pants.’

  {Means: Let’s split the scene before my brain stops functioning.}

  Or maybe:

  YOU: ‘Have you ever been to the Canary Islands? They have wonderful hats there.’

  {Means: Boy, is this guy ever the biggest yawn yet? Let’s beat it my friend before we lose the will to live.}

  Or just:

  YOU: ‘I’m telling you, when I found these shoes marked down to half price, I must have looked like the cat that got the canary.’

  {Means: If you don’t get me outta here quick, I’m gonna turn into this guy.}


  Or even:

  CREEPY VILLAIN: ‘So, would you like to stay for dinner at my remote castle? I’m sure I can find a bite… or two… to eat.’ Shifty look.

  YOU: ‘You’re too kind! Here I am chirping on like a canary when you’re obviously hungry and looking for nice warm prey, I mean praying for a nice warm meal. No, we’ll just get out of your lair… I mean hair… and leave you to it. We’ll catch up some other time.’

  {Means: This guy is gonna kill us for sure – he’s obviously some kinda vampire. Let’s beat it before he tucks in.}

  You’ve nearly made it, bozo…

  SO, THE BASIC RULES OF SURVIVAL ARE AS FOLLOWS:

  Keep a cool head – don’t panic.

  If you’re with others then work as a team.

  Find shelter, warmth and water.

  Think sideways – the obvious solution is not always the best.

  Improvise – don’t be defeated.

  And above all tell yourself you’re gonna make it out of there no matter what.

  OK, so this isn’t everything, not by a long shot, but it might be enough to make you see that a lot of survival is all about attitude and if you know that then it might encourage you to get some.